Maybe I Deserve a Happy Ending, Unless God Still Remembers Primary 5

By: A reformed heart thief from 2009

03/07/2025

08:20AM

Let me just ask real quick, is it karma or am I just genuinely unlucky?

How else do you explain that every time I fall in love or even just enter my delulu era, my village people would pull out their plastic chairs, cross their legs, sip cold zobo, and watch me spiral like it’s their own private BBNaija show?

Do I not also deserve my own soft life love story? Or is this some long-term spiritual consequence for what happened in Primary 5?

Oh, yes, let’s talk about it.

I may have kissed Sarah’s boyfriend.

---

Backstory,

Because You’ll Judge Anyway

Let me defend myself real quick.

The boyfriend in question told me I love you first.

Why?

Because I gave him extra cabin biscuits on my birthday.

It wasn’t even that deep.

I was 9.

He was shorter than me and had a runny nose.

Our relationship only lasted 2 school breaks and a moral instruction period.

Yet somehow, that 30-second kiss behind the classroom might be the very reason the universe has kept me in a romantic chokehold ever since.

I mean, I have said sorry out loud and in my head multiple times.
Do you want my blood?

If you think this is a joke, let me breakdown this year alone and it’s only July o.

This year, I have fallen for a man with commitment issues. He’s still committed to being confused.

I have dated someone who “forgot” he had a girlfriend until halfway into the relationship,

I have entered talking stages that ended before the talking even started.

I have gotten soft-launched by someone who hard-launched someone else two weeks later.

I have dated one small boy that ran away with our Ileya ram.

Segun, if you’re reading this, just don’t let me catch you because I will BEAT you.

And before you say Maybe it’s you,

I have asked myself that too.

I go to therapy, sometimes,

I journal, I hydrate, I know my attachment style, I even say sorry first now.

The only thing I have not done yet is deliverance which I am now seriously considering because I am tired.

I just want soft love and breakfast in bed without the heartbreak dessert.

I want someone that texts me back.

Someone that doesn’t disappear after seeing the mountain of food I consume daily.

Someone that doesn’t steal livestock.

God please if you’re seeing this,

I swear,

I have changed.

If you enjoyed this letter and want more chaotic love episodes from my life, please like, share and subscribe.

Also, leave a comment and tell me your own chaotic love karma story.

Moyosore Babalola.